“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.