Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Is….Is this an option?

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

So inspired right now.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.