“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Posting this on behalf of a friend
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.