“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
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NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
