“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve