“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I need to sieze this.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.