I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
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When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
me logging onto twitter
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.