@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

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@NotARatsAss

My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.

@heatherjs

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

@chuuew

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

@ArfMeasures

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

@topaz_kell

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

@Divergentmama

My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:

Nacho phone
Nacho allowance
Nacho ride to your friend’s house

@tweetsvisual

Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.

@Cryptoterra

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

@CulturedRuffian

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

@Ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”