My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My daughter is refusing to eat anything but nachos. And I’m a good mom and will give her what she wants:
Nacho ride to your friend’s house
Camping and I have a lot in common. For starters, we are both stupid.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”