“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*


Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.


[First date]

DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.

ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.

DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?

ME: It’s not my arm.


911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.


*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok


Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either


Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.


Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver


Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.