[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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Whenever our neighbor’s dog is barking, I know there’s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.