Good point.
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One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
*pokes sex life with a stick
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
There is wisdom there.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
Wait.
Did we ever figure out what it means when you match with your therapist on Tinder?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.