Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*