Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Who.
Did.
This?

Some people are like a ray of spray tan.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

[first day in a new house]

Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home

Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

No way!

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*