Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”

not going to work.

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now