Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”

i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth*

*pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet