Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.