Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

we’re gonna need another temp

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

taking June’s advice to heart

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law