Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

dads on road-trips be like

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

Every photo I’m tagged in

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.