Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
You Might Also Like
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it