Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Now who done made this a sport lmao
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End