Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Another day, another…goddammit

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop

grandpa was shocked

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster