Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp