Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Made something I’m not proud of
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?