Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
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[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me, flirting😏
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
In Canada they just call them geese
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these