Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.