Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Planet of the Apps.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
i wish i could marry a nap
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not