I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!
Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?
Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan’s national carrier is called “Royal Jordanian Airways” instead of “Air Jordan”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5