@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

You Might Also Like

@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

@linanneblack

The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.

@Piecezilla

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

@Darlainky

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

@LittleMissAngr1

Cop: Ma’am, do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!

Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?

Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.

@CulturedRuffian

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

@humanaaron

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

@lisaxy424

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

@KenJennings

If you ever want to be bummed all day, think about how Jordan’s national carrier is called “Royal Jordanian Airways” instead of “Air Jordan”

@NomDeBenoit

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5