*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
roses are red
tulips are fun
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman