Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
“FOUND ‘EM!”
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
