Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Oh no
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects