Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever

CLIENT: how much do u charge?

YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf

CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?

YOU: 3 dollars

CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!

Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.