Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
There is no “we” in pizza
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
