Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I see your IQ test came back negative
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
this is the best day of my life
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.