Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.