Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*