Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
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Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
LOL
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there