Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
🤣😂🤣😂
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head