Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Can’t, holding a grudge
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
? 💀
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.