Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?

BATMAN: shit

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!

seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!

gf:

seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering