My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
College: lol ikr?
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?