Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication