@OneFunnyMummy

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

You Might Also Like

@heyitsJudeD

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

@TweetPotato314

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

@JustMeTurtle

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

@GaryJanetti

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

@SondraDeeMe

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

@Nikkeya08

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?