Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.