Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

I feel seen

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden: