Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

We have a winner.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain

It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.