Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
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JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.