Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
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told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
same vibe as tangled headphones
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.