Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I mean…but I did
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?