Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive