@werehedgehog

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

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@TheGrimKing

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@notalogin

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

@In_A_YamChele

my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film

USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

@jazz_inmypants

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

@realbjdunne

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t