Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Okey dokey.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts