Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

Natty or not?

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

In knotsies.

(The unfollow button is only a click away)

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries