*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
You Might Also Like
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender