Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

[interview]

What is your greatest strength?

“Throwing my voice”

You’re hired!

“Ok great, thanks”

Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Prior authorizations be like:

My doctor: You need this medicine.

Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.

Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.

Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.