good work, detective
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
i dont have time for this
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?