good work, everybody
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.
You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
happy mother’s day❤️
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.