Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

couldn’t resist

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze