“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Getting hot and taking so many loads*
*Cooking chilli and doing laundry.
A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.