Goodnight 🐶
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I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end