Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

reviewed some movies recently

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”