Goodnight 🐶
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“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
It has been 3 years since Monday.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards