Goodnight 🐶
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instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
he chose this
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol