“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
barbara was highly relatable
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.