Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Yup
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I’ve had worse
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?