Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Easy enough.