Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Not messing around
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot