Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

[During acupuncture]

Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

Saving my good tweets for marriage

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo