Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
this is the greatest thing ever
my dad has had enough
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.