Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
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Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents