Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

You look like you would fail a DNA test

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

“Dad, what’s a forklift?”

“Food, usually.”

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

eggs benadryl

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.