Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
i’m still crying at this
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number