Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

satan: not today, microsoft teams

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial