Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”

That was last night and I still haven’t recovered

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich