Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Leaving the Barbers like

GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Me: *sits down near my cat*
My cat: That reminds me, I need to bathe loudly.

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

ㅤㅤ