Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Potatoes were such a good idea
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.