Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Well, shit
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family