Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”

All is not a trick question. Apparently

Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”