Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.