Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.

Matthew was born for this.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

They did not think through this water fountain

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

[Rain]

Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared