Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
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This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I’m confused about plants
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.