Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.

I asked him how much they were.

He said “It’s five pound a strip”

I said “Do I get to choose the music?”

Just looked at me then walked off 🤣

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

How software testing works