Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
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UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Selfie
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?