Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.